Live Motion

Right now, in this very moment, I am alive. A living vessel, gently cradling another fragile, delicate life inside. This is not my first time experiencing such a sensation, although it is the first time I possess the frame of mind to do more than revile it.

Yes ...

My first pregnancy, I am not afraid to admit it, was a literal fucking nightmare. Not so much in the physical (I never puked once throughout the entire pregnancy) but certainly in the mental. I hated the feeling of being pregnant, I felt my body was a battleground. A battle fought between my own sense of being and a tiny, ever encroaching invader, steadily claiming space and giving nothing in return.

I compared the child often to a parasite, and felt quite justified in my definition given the very real basis of our relationship at that time. She siphoned nutrients directly from me, used my body as home, bed, and lavatory, and gave me back what benefits exactly? The need to shave more often if I remember correctly.

When I was far enough along, feeling my baby move, at best would leave me with the mildest of joys. 'Well, it must mean she's healthy' I would usually say with a noncommittal shrug. On nights when she was more active than I cared to deal with, I would swear and roll over, clawing at whatever was within arm's reach with an anger I struggle to comprehend even now.

Some part of me knew that what I was experiencing wasn't exactly right. Which meant, something about me was wrong ... I. was. wrong.

Of course, it didn't help that in every maternity website, and in every expecting parent magazine I was repeatedly confronted with smiling faces, and stories about that blossoming flower of glowing maternal love and happiness most women were so eager to share. I thought that surely, these bitches must be making that shit up. Could my reality be so far off from theirs that it was at complete odds with the rest of the birthing world?

Surely not ... right?

Hell, there was even a period I imagined those maternity magazines were actually written by dudes in secret, to perpetuate the idea that motherhood and the desire for it should just come naturally to every woman.

So, suffice to say, I wasn't in the best place mentally. And then, physical shittiness finally caught up with my mental state in the last few months. From eight months on to the very end (oh which by the way, the typical pregnancy is actually 10 months total, not 9. That concept came from the fact that most women are not aware they are pregnant the first month. I did not suffer such a lack of awareness.) I was rendered quite nearly catatonic. What little energy I had completely flatlined, my feet and legs had swollen to nearly twice their normal size, The excess weight of the baby pressed on my already aching fractured pelvis, suffered from a previous auto accident.

Oh, and it was the middle of summer ...

in North Carolina ...

Yeah.

So what is the point of this post?

Ultimately, it is to point out that reality exists only within the eyes, the mind, and the body of the person experiencing it. As I am now pregnant with my second child, and in my final month no less, I can honestly say that this time around my experience is completely different. Although it began with a perception shattering nervous breakdown due to a tidal wave of crashing hormones, the rest of this pregnancy has been a snap. And maybe that could be due to my experience with the first.

Who knows?

The point is, we are molded by our experiences, and therefore we should never discount or disregard one another for possessing opposing views. Even (or especially) when another person's views are so damned paradoxical to our own understanding, it feels as if that person must be living on another planet, or they're just a damn idiot.

Knee jerk judgment like that cuts us off from the human experience, from experiencing one another, and does little to serve us. In fact it's a disservice to ourselves.

If I was to have run into one of those beaming mothers to be during the last few months of my first pregnancy, I would have stopped her in the middle of her fluffy testament to motherhood and gave her about ten reasons why she was full of shit, then I would have proceeded to attempt pulling off her rubber mask to reveal her to the world as some kind of alien controlled robot set upon the population to keep us pet humans procreating.

Something like that ...

But I would have been wrong. (And charged with criminal assault.) Because I would only have been seeing reality through the eyes of a pained, miserable woman with no idea in how to cope with the nearly indescribable sensation of pregnancy.

My reality is configured differently now.

I am weathered by previous exposure and strengthened by experience of motherhood. And it is in this new top down perspective, this different, and healthier frame of mind that I anticipate the coming of my second child into my life, and my reality.

Perception is something that should always be challenged and shifting. Because the world is always in a state of flux. If I could go back and tell myself that two years ago I would, and then I would dodge the flying debris my past self would fling in horror ... because my past self was fucking crazy.

heheheheh

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The Newest Shaye ...

is a mother. A mother of all, and everyone she meets, she loves as if they were her own child. Sometimes the light tricks her eyes, she has to look again. Sometimes she can look at a grown man and see a little boy grinning from cheek to cheek. Sometimes she looks at a small child and the light convinces her the child carries the wisdom of an ancient tree.

The Newest Shaye ...

is an optimist. Perhaps even foolishly so. She sees good in all acts, and love in all things. The trees bow on the wind to touch her, the flowers burst with color and fragrance as she passes. The clouds move in front of the sun when she is overheated. The rain waits until she reaches her front door.

The Newest Shaye ... Loves you always.

And this truth will always be.

Well now, been a while

Hasn't it?

And that is due entirely to my rather tumultuous life, as it's been having it's way with me.

I'm talking about finances ya'll.


Kicking my ass in all newly invented sort of ways, and currently I don't know what to do about it.
You see, I have this dream guys.... this dream that me and my family are living a simple minimalist life off the grid. and the use of money has been for the most part, eliminated from our daily lives.



I don't want to be a rockstar okay? I don't want to be the next J.K. Rowling with my writing. I don't even want to make six figures a year.

All I want is to not need money anymore.

I want the security that money brings, not the money it self. And I want to find a way to do it without money. But it's going to take some slick moves on my part, some sacrificing, and a whoooooole lot of elbow grease. I think what's going to happen here is, I'm gonna have to do this in phases...

The first phase is: finding out what I like, or in other words... identifying, habits, hobbies and passions that I can get rid of, adjust, or completely throw myself into.

For example... habit: Watching TV... I want to get rid of this habit, because more and more I realize that television is not only becoming a worthless tool for education, but that it's presence is actually quite harmful to the psyche.
hobby: video games: which for some can be arguably considered a habit if it's taken to the point of constant playing every day. But for me, this is just an enjoyable hobby. However I do realize I may need to adjust the timing I partake in this hobby, namely I sometimes get into playing a game before I have completed personal tasks I've set out for myself... This is of course, a big no-no.

Passions: Writing... can't live without it, stories bounce around my head every waking hour, but when I am confronted with a blank screen or notebook paper, something happens and I freeze up...

This will not do... and I think the reason is because I've been under stress this past month and there's just alot of spiritual clutter I need to clear up to open me up to my muse again.

Basically , what I'm trying to say here is simply this.
Find what's important, be honest, break it down to the bare necessities, and do what will make you happy and will help you progress into being a better person every day.

keep on moving forward, even if it's a very tiny change, as long as it's in the right direction, you can go to sleep at night knowing you've made some progress.


alright everybody... I love you all, even if there are no eyes watching just yet. this love will not change. See ya next time.

Why am I here?

Simple I am part of God’s plan. And this is not just God in the biblical sense, this is the all inclusive, understanding, all connecting thing that is voiceless yet somehow speaks to us all. I am talking about the source. Of all Love, I am talking about… me… and you, and people those we like and those we dislike. They are all just different instances of yourself. To put it another way, Think of a single blood cell. Is it separately a structure all its own? Of course,  but, if you could give a blood cell conscious, would it look all the millions of blood cells it shares a body with and see them as different and separate than itself? It would be right in a sense, but oh, so terribly wrong. For it is one part of a greater whole. A small but very necessary piece to complete the single organism. That is, our nature with one another, we are only a small part of a greater organism., the only difference is, we are conscious.

Oh wow lookie at what I found.

with all the changes that have occurred in my life in just the past year alone, it's easy to forget that not that long ago I was an entirely different person than I am today...

For your viewing pleasure, (or pain depending on how you look at it) I would like to share with you a small remnant of the person I used to be just a little over a year ago... Mind you I WAS pregnant at that time... however that doesn't excuse me from my explosive anger issues I had at that time... The hormones only exacerbated emotions and thoughts that were already there for a long time.


This is my first OFFICIAL BLOG... however it is not my very first attempt...

you see, in may of last year after a particularly trying day at work, instead of scribbling away in the confines of a nice little spiral notebook... I decided to vomit my hatred in a public place... so here you guys have it... my one and only post in my first blog that never went anywhere and never will...

It's a bit of a lengthy read, but try to laugh at the angry person I was, I sure do.

http://retailmurderdeathkill.blogspot.com/


Wasn't that just lame? God I should have been on some form of medication or something.

Hi-Dee-Ho! Thought I was finished with ya'll eh?

Well you're sorely mistaken, for we are JUST getting started.

I have alot of things I'm lining myself up to get into. I don't call them ambitions so much as I call them, promises. So, doing the "off the grid" research thing, thinking of expanding this into a journey to be shared with everyone around. I just finished week four of my weight loss challenge, so there are some videos I have yet to post here that will soon be up.

Also got into a whole writing spree with cousin terod as well as a whole fucking screenplay suddenly pouring out of me and Robbie respectively... Yeah... I'm feeling real fired up and enthusiastic... Broke as hell financially but a spiritual billionaire... and I'm about to flex those assets like crazy. You'll see soon enough.

http://offthegridproject.ning.com/

http://www.youtube.com/user/ShayeChild