Well now, been a while

Hasn't it?

And that is due entirely to my rather tumultuous life, as it's been having it's way with me.

I'm talking about finances ya'll.


Kicking my ass in all newly invented sort of ways, and currently I don't know what to do about it.
You see, I have this dream guys.... this dream that me and my family are living a simple minimalist life off the grid. and the use of money has been for the most part, eliminated from our daily lives.



I don't want to be a rockstar okay? I don't want to be the next J.K. Rowling with my writing. I don't even want to make six figures a year.

All I want is to not need money anymore.

I want the security that money brings, not the money it self. And I want to find a way to do it without money. But it's going to take some slick moves on my part, some sacrificing, and a whoooooole lot of elbow grease. I think what's going to happen here is, I'm gonna have to do this in phases...

The first phase is: finding out what I like, or in other words... identifying, habits, hobbies and passions that I can get rid of, adjust, or completely throw myself into.

For example... habit: Watching TV... I want to get rid of this habit, because more and more I realize that television is not only becoming a worthless tool for education, but that it's presence is actually quite harmful to the psyche.
hobby: video games: which for some can be arguably considered a habit if it's taken to the point of constant playing every day. But for me, this is just an enjoyable hobby. However I do realize I may need to adjust the timing I partake in this hobby, namely I sometimes get into playing a game before I have completed personal tasks I've set out for myself... This is of course, a big no-no.

Passions: Writing... can't live without it, stories bounce around my head every waking hour, but when I am confronted with a blank screen or notebook paper, something happens and I freeze up...

This will not do... and I think the reason is because I've been under stress this past month and there's just alot of spiritual clutter I need to clear up to open me up to my muse again.

Basically , what I'm trying to say here is simply this.
Find what's important, be honest, break it down to the bare necessities, and do what will make you happy and will help you progress into being a better person every day.

keep on moving forward, even if it's a very tiny change, as long as it's in the right direction, you can go to sleep at night knowing you've made some progress.


alright everybody... I love you all, even if there are no eyes watching just yet. this love will not change. See ya next time.

Why am I here?

Simple I am part of God’s plan. And this is not just God in the biblical sense, this is the all inclusive, understanding, all connecting thing that is voiceless yet somehow speaks to us all. I am talking about the source. Of all Love, I am talking about… me… and you, and people those we like and those we dislike. They are all just different instances of yourself. To put it another way, Think of a single blood cell. Is it separately a structure all its own? Of course,  but, if you could give a blood cell conscious, would it look all the millions of blood cells it shares a body with and see them as different and separate than itself? It would be right in a sense, but oh, so terribly wrong. For it is one part of a greater whole. A small but very necessary piece to complete the single organism. That is, our nature with one another, we are only a small part of a greater organism., the only difference is, we are conscious.

Oh wow lookie at what I found.

with all the changes that have occurred in my life in just the past year alone, it's easy to forget that not that long ago I was an entirely different person than I am today...

For your viewing pleasure, (or pain depending on how you look at it) I would like to share with you a small remnant of the person I used to be just a little over a year ago... Mind you I WAS pregnant at that time... however that doesn't excuse me from my explosive anger issues I had at that time... The hormones only exacerbated emotions and thoughts that were already there for a long time.


This is my first OFFICIAL BLOG... however it is not my very first attempt...

you see, in may of last year after a particularly trying day at work, instead of scribbling away in the confines of a nice little spiral notebook... I decided to vomit my hatred in a public place... so here you guys have it... my one and only post in my first blog that never went anywhere and never will...

It's a bit of a lengthy read, but try to laugh at the angry person I was, I sure do.

http://retailmurderdeathkill.blogspot.com/


Wasn't that just lame? God I should have been on some form of medication or something.

Hi-Dee-Ho! Thought I was finished with ya'll eh?

Well you're sorely mistaken, for we are JUST getting started.

I have alot of things I'm lining myself up to get into. I don't call them ambitions so much as I call them, promises. So, doing the "off the grid" research thing, thinking of expanding this into a journey to be shared with everyone around. I just finished week four of my weight loss challenge, so there are some videos I have yet to post here that will soon be up.

Also got into a whole writing spree with cousin terod as well as a whole fucking screenplay suddenly pouring out of me and Robbie respectively... Yeah... I'm feeling real fired up and enthusiastic... Broke as hell financially but a spiritual billionaire... and I'm about to flex those assets like crazy. You'll see soon enough.

http://offthegridproject.ning.com/

http://www.youtube.com/user/ShayeChild

(Day 30) A picture of yourself this day and 5 good things that happened since you started the challenge.

1.  I graduated from IAM (Incredibly Amazing Moms) And I have been invited back as a speaker for future programs.

2. I joined a Youtube weight loss challenge

3. I have joined an off the grid community (Not physically yet... but soon)

4. I am conquering procrastination day by day

5. My baby is walking now!

2.

(Day 29) Who is your hero

My mom...

Call it a cop out call it easy.... but I don't think this answer would change even 20 years from now. She has always been my hero, and always will be. She has been more than human to me for so long I almost thought she was like superman. To explain why she is my hero, would be to take you step by step through every event in my life, good and bad. And, well, I really don't have time for that.

She is the source of my common sense, my perception of life and humanity, and my enabler for progression. I owe everything I am and all that is good in me to her. And if I am more evolved in ideas or anything else, it is because of her guidance and love.

I love you mom. you are my hero....

Sorry guys for missing a couple of days.... tomorrow is the last post of this thirty day challenge!

(Day 28) What stresses you

Uhh...

Knowing that having this...

is totally possible today if we would allow it but instead we're stuck with this...

Want to know where I'm coming from?

Go here...

                      http://zeitgeistmovie.com/

and here...

                      http://www.thevenusproject.com/

Thank you and Goodnight...

(Day 27) A photo of your city

To be quite honest, starting out, I was not at all enthusiastic about this post, because... Well, it's Raleigh.

Sure, I'm probably going to sound a bit like the typical Yankee-Douche by saying this but once you've lived in New York, many other cities short of Paris or London are really going to pale in comparison. (Asheville being excluded, I'll tell ya'll all why some other day) 

In any case I just lazily Googled me up some happy little images of the downtown Raleigh skyline... found many generic pictures like this...

And this...

Oooh, sure haven't seen that light effect before.

Yeah, those are like, very nice... If I was trying to throw a cheap brochure together for some indifferent tourist. But, No, I'm not... and These pictures do little to define the character of Raleigh...

Because the truth of the matter is, There really isn't that much to Raleigh asside from this...

"Little Boxes on the hillside"

Yep, I'd have to say a great big chunk of what Raleigh consists of is pretty much a shit-ton of sub-divisions. 

"Little boxes made of Ticky-Tacky"

But surely there's more to it than just a spit of tall buildings and eerily picturesque homes that brings to mind the pastel paradise of Edward Scissorhands. 

Well....Yeah.... I guess... 

I mean, there are the more notable landmarks like....

The Raleigh Museum of Science

And...

The Governor's Mansion

Which are.... nice and all, but do they really speak to the character of this little city?

No, I don't think they do...

SO, so so so...

I squinted my eyes and leaned in close to the computer screen, trying to scour the useless blerbs of stale plastic pictures to find some of those lesser known places, the little hidden gems. Something with character, and a touch of pure Raleigh Charm...

This is what I came up with...

Old Raleigh home

This one house takes 'Character' and smacks you right in the face with it. It's located downtown in, (Or at least on the outskirts) of the historical 'Old Raleigh' district.

Old Yates Mill Pond

I think I've heard of this place but I've never paid a visit. I think it could be private property. But it definitely has it's own charm right?... Shut up of course I'm right.

Raleigh Art Musem

I don't know where these are, or if they're still around, but I hope I can find them. These are super huge art sculptures made entirely by sticks. I believe the picture was taken back n 2005, so there is a strong possibility these guys aren't around anymore... which s a bummer, I'm gonna look into it.

So yeah guys what do you think? Raleigh seems like a pretty okay place huh? Yeah... so maybe nothing truly significantly awesome or unique sure... I mean what do you want in a city... Some kind of unknown alien lifefo....

Wait....

What's that?

Hang on a sec... I...

What the hell?

Oh....

oh....

OH

MY

FUCK....

Okay, so... uhh.....while I'm browsing I find this interesting little picture that looks much like someone mistakenly posted a picture from their colonoscopy...

Intrigued, I give her a little click, thinking I'll be directed to some sort of Wake Med Hospital medical journal or the like... you know...

I didn't find a medical journal...

I found this...

Raleigh Sewer Monster

Yeah and I'm not saying 'Raleigh Sewer Monster' to be facetious. That thing is... in FACT a true blue (Or, grossly visceral and flesh toned) "Sewer Monster."

Don't believe me?

Well... thought you might say that....

Good old Youtube to the rescue bitches!

           Enjoy! ^_^

                                              

Mm.... just delicious looking ain't she?

Actually it's no mystery as to what this thing is... It's actually some kind of colony of sewer worms... or it could be the first sign of the Zerg invasion... *shrugs* I dunno...

But HELL YEAH 

alright Raleigh! You were looking pretty light for a minute there but you pulled a nice one out your ass at the last minute... (Literally)

I do hope you all enjoyed your tour of Raleigh North Carolina. I sure did...

Vomit bags are near the exit.

(Day 26) Your Dream Wedding

Ugh...

No, just no...

I don't have it in me tonight to even begin to get into this one.


Okay

I will say this.

I have no interest in getting married....

Ever

Now, if you're talking about spending a day in celebration of two people who were once strangers coming together and finding true love and creating a family together then... I'm all about that.

But come on now, in today's modern conventional society, that is not what a marriage is all about.

ugh I swore I wouldn't get into this tonight because i'm exhausted!


okay gonna have to break it down to the bare bones

Marriage: Spectacle, Ego-Fest, Day for bride to soak up as much human and spiritual energy from her friends and loved ones as possible, local government contract?

yeah cause nothing says love like signing a legally binding contract. What? am I wrong? more on this later, I gotta come back to this. I think  need to give this one the special attention it deserves. Look out for my Marriage Rant. Cause ya'll ain't ready, and I am not ready either... I'm going to bed.

(Day 25) What you are looking forward to?

finishing this blog challenge...

lol among other things...


Actually I am looking forward to alot.

My daughter's first steps, talking, and all that fun stuff... and um no longer breast feeding... can't wait for that to be over and done with. Oh and I am totally looking forward to her first swear word... that's gonna be fun.

I'm looking forward to being about 30 pounds lighter and finally looking and feeling good... and not having back fat... Cause back fat, though cute on a 9 month old doesn't exactly translate well on a 27 year old.

Ummm.....

I'm looking forward to getting my own place and living under the same roof as my boyfriend... and us living as a family.

It will be good.


Looking forward to getting a job...

looking forward to the very next moment...

(Day 24) Something you've learned

It's simple...

Responsibility.

Or, to very briefly elaborate... I have learned to own up to my shortcomings.

Anything negative in my life is almost always reflective of my perception, attitude, and reaction to the environment. I am responsible for what elements are introduced into my life. The environment and me are one and the same; our relationship, symbiotic in nature. And I'm finally learning to respect that dynamic and become more responsible about what I put out there.


If I'm not happy with the way something is, I need to own it, slap the bitch around and be a champion. Whining and complaining has never helped anything in the history of mankind. Instead of filling the space with so much bluster, I'll effect my surroundings with action... and I gotta go all the way with it. Because half assing anything won't cheat others, it will be cheating yourself.


So having said that, I've been faced with some important challenges lately and I am in the state of mind where I am not going to tolerate being despondent about these things anymore. I'm going to own them, and they are going to be put in their place. Because I AM my own champion.... and one day maybe I'll be the champion of others too if they'll have me.


Only time will tell....

No...

 I will tell...

(Day 23) Favorite movies, TV shows

TV?  Honestly, there isn't a whole hell of a lot on TV worth a damn anymore. And I'm really not trying to sound like a crotchety old maid but seriously... What the hell is up with TV these days? not going to get into it... Lord that's a whole other post and a half in and of itself.

I suppose the very same could be said for movies to a lesser extent. All I know is it's been a long time since I left the movie theaters with my mind completely blown by the awesomeness I've just witnessed. And it's been even longer since I've been excitedly pining for a certain film to be released.

Just saying... is anything good anymore?

But I digress... here's the list kiddies!

TV: Louie (on FX)
FUNNY as all hell!

Breaking Bad (AMC)

Sons of Anarchy (FX)

American Dad (Cartoon Network and Fox... but mostly Cartoon Network.)

The Dog Whisperer (National Geographic)

Shark Week (Discovery, okay its not a show but... AWESOME!!!)

Archer (FX)

Real Time With Bill Maher (HBO)

Umm, that's pretty much it... I might drop in on the Daily Show from time to time, but not as often as I used to.


Movies

Zeitgeist: Addendum (find it online for free, and totally legal, as the makers WANT it to be freely watched. )

Zeitgeist: Moving Forward (Actually you can find them both here

Inception

The Dark Knight

The Color Purple

Hard Candy

The Hunchback of Notre-Dame

Eve's Bayou

Beloved

Memento

Follow

Um.... yeah look at my profile there's like, tons of movies I'm forgetting about in there I'm sure lol... okay gotta go.

Have a good night.

(Day 22) What would you like your future to look like

In the future, my natural curls will spiral down to the middle of my back. I will be at least thirty pounds lighter and fitter than I've ever been in all my life. My daughter will be the same prodigy she is today. Able to hold her own in adult conversations and truly comprehend what is being discussed with an awareness not seen in a child her age.

Me, my daughter and her daddy will have purchased our own small plot of land, on which we will have built our earth ship with our very own hands. We will have a miniature dachshund, probably named "Grr." We will live one hundred percent off the grid and we will love every moment of it.

I will have mastered vegetable gardening and will dabble in hydroponics and aeroponics. and I will give away my harvest to friends and neighbors, and that includes the nearby wild life.

I will have at least one book published.

Robbie will play music for fun whenever he wants to.

I will encourage friends and family to try to convert to green living and help them do it.

I hope my life is headed strongly in this direction within the next five years...

thank you!

(Day 21) Something you're proud of

Umm... Well I was proud of myself for diligently sticking to this blogging everyday...


until I looked down at the clock and realized I didn't make a post for monday and it's already past 12 am.


As a measure of active humility, I am trying to learn to live a life without things such as 'Pride' or anger or sadness... In other words, I am trying to be like the Buddha.

There is not much in my life I am too proud of, but certainly nothing that I am entirely ashamed or regretful of either.

I guess I kinda exist in that weird middle ground, where everything is kinda looked at subjectively. I'm more content with myself as I am and in the direction I am going, rather than proud of any feat I have accomplished or thing I have experienced.

What I'm trying to say is...

I am grateful for being in my own skin at this very moment. I cannot and will not feed that ego that wants me to look at myself and praise myself with biased accolades and put myself on a pedestal.

*shrugs*  I dunno...

Anyway I love you all, whomever you might be... thank you for caring enough to look at this sorry little blog lol!

Good night!

(Day 20) Something you wonder “What if…?” about.

What if I had never gotten into that car accident and broken my pelvis up? At the time of the accident, I had two high paying jobs, and the very next week I was about to do some "Buko" overtime at the hospital. I was young, I was fresh out of school and ready to rip the medical world a new asshole. But then CRASH SLAM, everything changed, I was out of work for a year and I never returned to work at the doctor's office, and the hospital I was working at was living on borrowed time because of budget issues. I truly wonder what if I had not lost that year? Just how much more connected I would have been? Would I have even moved to North Carolina? I don't know... it's one of those things...

What if I had listened to logic, and listened to finances, and listened to my fears when I found out I was pregnant and decided that bringing a baby into this world was just too frightening an idea to even fathom? I... would have been broken in spirit I think. But, for a while I would have been able to put on a good face. I would deny my heart for a while, and pretend that me and my boyfriend could work it out together, all the while knowing we let something sacred and good, and needed die between the two of us. And we would have drifted apart... This what if, is something that I don't contemplate often, because I don't see a life without this child... She is too good to my soul...

Um... yeah...

What if I never started this blog? I'd be sitting down, watching T.V. eating chips, and not giving a shit about my diet probably. Starting this blog has lead me on this journey of perseverance that I will always be grateful for. not just about writing, but everything... I'm trying to do everything I know is good for myself, finally. And nothing was ever holding me back but myself. I suppose this blog has been, in many ways, like a mirror held up to myself... And now that I've put myself out there like that, I can't turn away from it.

Okay! I'm out now. Wow! 20 days in and I haven't screwed up this challenge. I'm awesome... everyone LOVE ME!

(Day 19) What you would say to an ex

...


No really that's what I would say...


"..." Or, if it's necessary to explain, I would say nothing at all, because there isn't anyone to say it to.

I haven't had any real grand romances in my lifetime... No ex that I feel bitter about or anything...

The one I'm with now was the first one, I was a virgin when I met him. And he will be the last one if things go right...


I really don't have anything to say about today's topic. It's so apart from my life's experiences that it's a total categorical misfire for me.


Sorry guys lol....

But in other news...


How about that whole country debt downgrade eh? Ain't that something? I have no idea how it's truly going to affect poor motherfuckers like me, but to those with their heads mired in the meaningless streaming numbers that makes up our economy it's apparently quite the disaster.

To this I say Oh Well...

I'm still broke over here, that ain't going to change any time soon...


Love you guys!

(Day 18) Something you miss

So this is gonna have to be a short post because I currently have an evil squealing baby in my arms...

I don't know if I've already mentioned this or not but I am originally from NY, and as of 2007 I moved to North Carolina. While I am very happy to be here and absolutely love this state, I'd be lying if I said there weren't things about the empire state I miss...

I wish I could elaborate more on these, but my child has Satan in her right now

I miss corner convenience stores. being able to walk right to the corner of the block and pretty much get whatever you need, yeah... awesome.

I miss the subway

I miss the beach

I miss my best friend Adem

I miss people watching while sitting from any cafe in downtown Manhattan.

I did my second youtube video!

And you can tell I tried to do it big. I don't know if I succeeded, but it's definitely an improvement in quality.

wow, that's a messed up thumbnail

(Day 17) Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs.

I'll have you know Mr. or Ms. Fancy McFancy-Pants that I do not own an iPod or any such device of the like.

However, you're in luck...

I happen to have an account with Pandora online radio.

So, I just set my radio stations to quick mix and this is what it churned out...

1. Star Wars, Episode IV: A New Hope. By John Williams (Uh oh, I feel a disturbance in my cool mojo, proof of utter geekiness appears very likely)
2. Ohm. By Saul Williams (Phew! okay there you go, the poetic hi hop lyricist, my boy Saul standing up for me and showing I still got a touch of soul in my roll.)
3. What's This? The Nightmare Before Christmas By Danny Elfman (Fuck...)
4. Find the Princess, Final Fantasy IX. By Nobuo Uematsu (Double Fuck! My cool is on life support while my inner geek is dancing with glee!)
5. Minas Tirith, Lord of the Rings The Return of The King. By Howard Shore (It's dead)
6. Smooth Criminal (Michael Jackson) instrumental remix By David Garrett
7. Equally Destructive, By Forever After (Um, this one was a new one to my playlist, and I have to say, I didn't like it much. To me it just had this forced epic sound to it. I don't know...)
8. Sunrise Over the Ocean, By Tim Janis (Very easy listening, but Tim can get tiresome every now and again)
9. Hearing Voices, By Special
10. Lifted, By John Legend

There you have it guys, I'm a little tired to tell the truth so I'm gonna have me a little nap! See ya later!

(Day 16) Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it.

I like how this blog challenge would follow up one post about death row meals (in which you know you'll go all out and get crazy,) with a post about your personal body image.


So here's the thing, you already know I am participating in that youtube "Shake your Money-Maker" weight loss contest. And I wouldn't be doing that if there wasn't at least a small amount of dissatisfaction with my body image.

I have never been a small girl. I developed early and was an eleven year old with a B-cup, and didn't stop growing till... like five minutes ago... or something like that.

If I had a scanner I would upload some progressive photos so you guys can get the picture.


At my very best I was a full figured curvy thing. not at all fat by any stretch of the imagination, but no super model either. (And I would never want to be.)

I was in my best shape about 3 1/2 years ago, when I was a member of curves and kept a relatively regular workout regimen of 3 times a week. It was looking good for a time, until I started working at The Home Depot, and for reasons unknown  to me, I packed on the pounds, In  2 years I gained about 30 pounds

And then I got pregnant...

yeah...

But here's the fun part. I've lost all the weight gained from pregnancy. In fact I weigh a few pounds less than I did before then, the problem is, everything kind of, distributed itself differently.

I hate how my gut hangs like I'm still a few months pregnant, I am still astounded that the boobs are like twice and a half times their normal size (which were already pretty substantial to begin with) and I can't stand the arm luggage I got going on.

Now, to be fair it's not exactly terrible... I mean, I'm no Fat Albert or anything, but I am not satisfied, not pleased....

I want more energy I want to look good in a bikini and out of one...

Oh and I'm surprised I haven't mentioned this yet, but I have huge scars beginning at the top of my right hip, going down and across to the bikini region. This is from a really bad auto accident I had in which my pelvis was fractured and... blah blah blah.

Although I'm not in any way self conscious about it, I'm not happy it's there either.


so overall, I am not satisfied with my body image at this time... but I'm working on it... I have high hopes too.

(Day 15) Death Row Meal

I'm about to go off on this one baby!

And I don't care how much these foods SO do not match or even agree with one another. I'm about to die! Don't judge me!

Appetizers

Stuffed mushrooms filled with bread crumbs, cheese, mushroom stems, fresh parsley,onions and Macadamia nuts.

I've had  something similar to this a while ago and my god...

Yum

Taquitos, guilty pleasure, where I'm not about to just have one of; but I probably shouldn't eat even a single one if I give one damn about my waistline. WELL, given that I'm about to die and all, all of you little Taquitos are getting in my belly tonight!

FINISH THEM!

Main Course(s)

So, I'm deathly allergic to shell fish. With that little tid-bit of knowledge, I would naturally have to have....

Oh and I wouldn't just stop there, I'd have to do it BIG like this guy...

Like a BOSS

If by some small chance, the Generational Slaughter of Lobster Fest doesn't do me in... I'd love to try this one   on...

Beautifully arranged dish? Or DEATH on a platter?

That up there my friends is the notorious Japanese dish known as Fugu. made from the meat of the extraordinarily poisonous puffer fish. What do I care at this point? I'm dying anyway! 

dessert(s)

And should I have survived my encounter with death twice over, I'd have to go and get very decadent. Mainly I just want to know what the big deal is about these...

Seriously, what's so great about it. It looks like petrified shit.

And if by some chance those truffles taste about as good as they look, (Or hell, even if they're delicious) I'm gonna go ahead and have me some...

Crepe Suzette Bitches!

I've never had it before, and would absolutely love to try. But then I'd bring it all home with my old reliable comfort dessert.

Can't go wrong with Apple Pie Ala Mode.

And that's it, as far as drinks go? Not that much of an alcoholic, so whatever they had in the cellar, worth a damn I'd take... 

(Day 14) A picture of you last year – how have you changed?

Ummm.... yeah, I don't have a picture of myself from last year.

And the reason why is, well because I never liked taking pictures of myself anyway. Like... EVER.
And it's not about being self conscious or anything, in fact it's quite the opposite. I feel, (for myself, not necessarily for others) that there is nothing more conceited and self serving than taking a bunch of glamor shots of yourself to sprinkle all over the internet social media sites. For some people, pictures are a medium of self expression, others to capture a special moment,  for others it's just fun, for ME though it would serve no real purpose other than puffing myself up, because I know myself as a person, and I don't use pictures in that way.


I write for those reasons and purposes... self expression, capturing a moment or emotion, and for fun. Photography, in MY hands has no artistic merit or redeeming values.

Now having said all of that... The fact that I was excruciatingly huge and pregnant last year has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with not having a picture from that time...

Oh hell okay... yeah it does...

So I am normally not a fan of pictures on a good day, could you imagine being all swollen, and angry with child? Would you want to take a picture? Naw, you'd be like, 'Get that camera out of my face before I dragon kick you in the gonads.' (Which I'm pretty sure I said to someone at least once last year.)

As far as how I have changed... god... Again, last year was such an anomaly for me, because I had never been pregnant, and I had never been more evil. My emotional irregularity at that time was so extreme that I was an entirely different person. An AWFUL person. Someone who hated the world, and would see it annihilated by an asteroid or zombie apocalypse and would have sat atop the pile of smoldering rubble with a chocolate bar and a smile.

So how have I changed? I'm totally not that person anymore. I've reverted back to my former, sane self. Before I got pregnant, I used to meditate; and while I haven't gotten back into doing that, I am certainly more meditative of thought. I am now a mother. That is the biggest change of my life... I never thought I could love so hard, or I could look at someone's face and be just, saturated with such happiness and affection the feeling approaches euphoria. I even love people more for having experienced the love I hold for my daughter. It's just through an all new level of connection with another human, that I have a new appreciation for the symbiotic nature of our relationship between ourselves and the planet. It's elemental, deep and vibrating... It's energy... I kind of understand the eternal nature of all energy better than I used to. And as of right now, words cannot express what I truly mean by that...

Some writer you are huh? lol

I'll figure out a way to share it soon enough, and maybe it'll manifest itself as my novel or short story...

In any case, I see no reason why everyone on the planet shouldn't experience the same feeling of unending love and sense of connection with the infinite pool of energy and love... Everyone should be able to touch God as I have... their paths to God might be different, but so long as they arrive at God's love and embrace, it doesn't matter...

(Day 13) Goals

Wow, okay so this one... this one right here?



I don't know, it could be so many things, or really so few as to only be one thing. And considering the quality of my posts thus far, just posting one thing would appear to be just another cop out.

So I'm not going to do that, I'm really going to try here.


Goals....

1. Complete a novel. This isn't some pretentious endeavor to vomit my thoughts on a page (That's what this blog is for. Just kidding.) I am not trying to gain accolades or have my words be treated like gospel. I don't want to publish the next Harry  Potter, I don't want to do interviews on late night shows, an I don't want perfect monochrome pictures of me smiling with some naturescape backdrop plastered all over the back of my books. My intent, is only to teach some sense of morality. Have people question the state of things and connect to the greater unconscious. I want people to choose love over fear, and writing is my medium for that.


2. Establish and maintain a healthy lifestyle. This of course includes dropping alot of the weight I've packed on over time. I mean sure, I'd like to look good, but I want to feel good too. I have a growing baby and I am definitely going to need the energy to chase her around. And also, how will I raise a child to eat and live healthy if I don't know how to myself. It's more a matter of self discipline I suppose. Which leads me to the next goal...


3. Defeat procrastination. Once and for all. This has been the bane of my existence, the reason for all my suffering. And it has thrived because it has always been self inflicted. I must transcend it, or shut the fuck up forever, because I'll forfeit my right to opinion, complaint, or my right to give advice to even another soul. It's time to do what I was sent to this world to do or forever hold my peace.


4. Successfully raise a healthy, socially aware, intelligent young woman. Alex you're my only hope. This one needs no explanation.

5. Naturally grow my hair to mid back. Oh my god it would just be so awesome to get my hair that long again naturally... When I Was a little girl, before I had gotten a perm, my hair was nearly to my waist... I want it to get that way again so badly!

Okay, that's pretty much it then... It's been a really long day and I'm pretty drained.. I would write more otherwise.

Good night everyone.

(Day 12) Something you don't leave the house without

My cell phone


Don't get me wrong, social butterfly I am not. I hardly get calls, just the odd text here and there from a few of my  close friends and loved ones, but that's not why I always carry it with me...

Real reason?

I always want to be sure I have my phone just in case, if I am out walking for example, if I was to somehow get mugged, stalked by some shadowy predator, or utterly destroyed by a drunk driver in a Pick up Truck, hopefully I will have enough energy left in my body to maneuver my broken mangled digits to at least coax one more twitter post before I shuffle off this mortal coil.


Kidding...

Only about the twitter post thing though, I don't even have a twitter account as of right now.

But seriously it's just in case of some emergency. I'd rather have it and not need it rather than need it and not have it.

The Realization Dawns

So something just hit me like a kick to the temple, and I am compelled to write about it here.

I'm a writer.

no seriously... I. Am. A writer.

It is my passion, my talent, my gift to share with others...

I have a love for words and how, when arranged in just such a way, they can inspire the greatest of ideas into the collective consciousness of the whole. I have a deep respect for that. I am also aware that words in and of themselves are cheap when used without a conscience and with ill intent. No evil is more powerful than a greater act of love.

But hold on there...

Despite my obvious infatuation with the idea of bringing about awareness in this world with my writing, I also realize something else very important.

I haven't been doing any real writing.

Not in a long time.

I haven't committed myself to sitting before a screen and keyboard, in dim lighting, with nothing more that my rampant ideas and meditation music.

Been a long time since I've done that

Here's the big realization though...

Like a slap to the back of your neck right after you stepped out of the shower

(Fucking Ouch?)

I am less than half way into this Blog 30 day writing challenge.

And I am almost certain, that if I were to take all that I've written here, copied and pasted it into a word processor, I'd probably have more than enough for a good chapter and a half. which is more that I've written for that novel I've been working on for my whole life.

Yep...

I keep making it out like some sort of great task, like every time I sit down to write, I have to complete a chapter or bust.

But it's not like that at all.

I think I've found where I've been going wrong, I just got to chip away at it in tiny little parts, no matter how insignificant they may seem to me, every day just keep chipping away, until one day I look at the work and find, holy shit, I've got 300 pages here.... how'd that happen?

Everyone's got their own system of doing things, I think I may have incidentally stumbled upon mine.

and it's really all thanks to this new blogging experience I've submitted myself to.

Wow...

Awesome...

No seriously It is awesome.

(Day 11) Your favorite quote

Here it is...


"The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, "Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, "Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace."


           -- Bill Hicks-- 1961-1994


I hope whoever reads this rally takes the time to let it sink in... and even look up old Bill.

(Day 10) Something you are afraid of

The thought of waking up one morning and realizing that I have squandered all of my natural born talents. Having never fulfilled my expectations for myself, or having never taught another human being anything worth while, to bring about more awareness in this world. I want, more than anything to teach others that in life, there are only two choices, Love, or Fear.

My greatest demon is procrastination, and it is indeed my fear that this demon will topple me and crush my efforts to show others they should choose love every time, for all time. I am a writer, a story teller, and a teacher, these are my passions but I've always taken the position of student , and his behind this guise for so very long. I think my true face is beginning to show. People are starting to catch on that I'm not nearly as oblivious as I let on. It is fear of responsibility that keeps me from grabbing hold of the destiny I so clearly see before me.

It is my worst nightmare to realize one day, that my time is up and I have wasted away my time with idle distractions and poor shallow excuses. My starting this blog is a tool to combat my demon, or at the very least transcend it. Procrastination is but a small part of my being, I am larger than life. It's time to be that person finally.

Lookie at what I did today!

I, in a sudden burst of inspiration/insanity have posted my very first youtube video!


yaaaay! Listen to the crowds go wild!

It isn't anything special. No. not by a long shot. But I must admit to a feeling of elation and utter relief at having posted this video. So watch me in all my awkward, stammering glory right here!

Yes I know I can't dance for shit. The point is, soon I'll at least look good while dancing so damn bad.

We are more than just consumers.

Recently I've found myself thoroughly disgusted, and all together through with the vapid consumerism that seems to plague our society as a whole. Whether it be the overly manipulative commercials that uses catchy tunes, flashy colors, or your favorite celebrity to get into your head and convince you to buy things you absolutely do not need; or if it's a Saturday afternoon and you're desperately trying to merge onto the beltline exit but find it almost impossible because there's a line of cars trying to enter the mall thus blocking up the entrance ramp.

I'm sick of it, but I haven't elevated myself to the point of actively doing something about it yet. At least nothing so brilliant and light-hearted as this...

Maybe it isn't necessary to walk around with picket signs or even make angry blog posts. Maybe it's just a matter of carrying a megaphone, a message and a smile, and just appealing to the better nature of other people. Just making them aware of their actions is where it needs to begin. Sure about 95% of them will just carry on with their shopping trip... But even if you only effect that minuscule 5%, that's something isn't it?

(Day 9) A favorite picture of your best friend.

I can't believe how perfect this post is for today. Because just as it so happens to be a post about my best friend., it also just so happens to be my best friend's birthday. But you know what? I'm gonna cheat here and post more than one picture, because I'm a boss like that.

And heeeeeeeeeer's ADEM!

Looking sharp my man! Here he is pimping what looks to be a mighty fine set of duds.

Here's the whole outfit for the full effect. OH MY GOD THOSE VAMP TEETH ARE SICK! haha!

And here's a picture of Adem looking all Leeeetle. This was back in the days here. So many memories.


Happy B-day buddy.

(Day 8) A place you've traveled to and where else you want to travel.

*Sighs* Oh man I almost didn't make this post. My lap top seems to have committed suicide...

But I have jumped on another one just in time.

I have to be quick with this one (So what else is new) but as it turns out I really don't have much to say about this one anyway.



I was born and raised in New York. As it stands today... the furthest I've ever been from New York is the State of Florida... family trip to Disney World. Which, admittedly is more than others can say. Yet far less than many others. I have yet to make it off the eastern seaboard of the U.S. but I'm cool with that.


Place I'd like to go? Pssh... Several.

 Japan
Australia
 Say it with me now! European Tour! HELL YEAH!

I gotta get going this laptop feels incredibly awkward to me.
*sigh*

(Day 7) What makes you happy?

Very simple...

This smile those eyes, that laugh those chunky little thighs.

Before she came into my life there was certainly happiness. My family, and other dear ones to me. Now that she's here I've known happiness bordering on insanity. 

Kind of have a headache right now guys, and maybe this post is yet another cop out of a post. But it is no less true. 

My best friend is a nine month old... go figure.

(Day 6) Pet Peeves

Quick and to the point this one, Without any further ado, I give you my Pet Peeves




1. Disconnected Drones: Those kind of people that can go to a retail store, or go out to a restaurant, be sat at a table, order a meal, find what they need, finish their transaction, and never once look the cashier, sales associate, hostess, waiter, in the eye. They're just totally absorbed in their own monotony, or self importance, that they're not even aware that they come off as disengaged drones. Your whole day is full of activity that is entirely soulless. How is it in such a world that is so very populated but so many people feel completely alone? That is how. Stop auto-piloting, stop drifting through life and use every chance you get to interact with another human being as a valuable exercise of the soul. That's what we all were put here for. To connect and learn from one another.

2. Slow Drivers: Call it the New Yorker in me, and actually I'm sort of disappointed in myself for this one because I try to be more patient every day but... well come on! Ever since I moved to North Carolina, I've been stricken with this new found road rage at red lights... no, correction, green lights. For some reason, it seems like drivers in this state take like a three to five second pause to pick their nose or something once he light has already turned green before they friggen GO! I admittedly feel silly for wanting to devour their souls for this, but obviously it does bother me. So it's a guilty pet peeve, but none the less a potent one.

3. Rude Children: Are you kidding me? No, no, a thousand times no! When I see a child in public just outright disrespect their parents (usually their mother) calling them ugly, stupid, or just raging like some escaped banshee from the depths of hell. I just want to sweep on in there pull the parent to the side and say "Give me five minutes with him." Nothing boils my innards more than a screeching little snot nosed tyrant that no one will do anything about. Is it the child abuse laws or something? Because, personally I think that's bullshit. An unruly child needs to be popped on the butt every now and again to balance out the anarchy. This is my personal opinion. However it is also my opinion that the imbalance has to take hold first. And that imbalance can only arise in the face of parental failure somewhere along the line. There's nothing your child shouldn't understand from just talking it out with them. Give them some credit, they're smarter than us all. they need only to show out in some way once for you to put them right back in line accordingly. Demand respect, and earn it simultaneously by realizing this kid isn't just a kid, but a human being first, a potential adult, an unfinished project waiting to be molded into something beautiful. Whoa... okay I'm done there, who the hell am I lecturing anyway? lol

4. Unreasonably Rude People: I really don't think I have to elaborate on this one, There's just no reason to be an asshole to someone. If you're having a bad day, it's time to just isolate yourself from others and not spread the wealth. Seriously.

Um there's nothing else I can think of at the very moment, though I know there's more. You know, I'm actually thinking that once this 30 day challenge is over. Sometime down the line I'll rewrite it again, as I feel like most of these posts have just been plowed through for the sake of meeting deadlines and such. So yeah! gotta go now. Ciao!

(Day 5) What song Inspires you?

Going to admit, right here and now, that this post... THIS post right here?


Total cop-out. I didn't put any real thought into it... almost like absolutely none...

But I don't want to mess up this challenge.

I've been really busy today and I didn't even know what today's subject was supposed to be.

So, anyway, I didn't really sit and truly think about it, however I am not in anyway shitting on what song I have chosen, it's just that it feels like such an easy go to song if somebody was to ask me what song inspires me.

And you know what? I don't even know if it's the song in particular that really inspires me or the idea behind the words that are so beautifully portrayed in the video. Would I still feel the same way about the song without  the video's aid? I don't know, but dude... I just woke up, I'm drowsy, kind of grumpy, barely able to string these words together right now, so ... yeah...


The song in question here is "Everyday" By Dave Matthew's Band.

And here's the lovely Video...

Wasn't that just beautiful? We need to do alot more of that kinda thing... seriously if a single smile can change someone's entire day (and trust me, it can) imagine what a hug would do for them.

Oh yes, and as a side note, or rather you can consider it an addendum to last night's post... Not only do I feel I did my own mother a disservice in some way by not being able to think of enough wonderful things to say about her... I also should just say here that I DO love my father, He's not a bad person. Irresponsible? absolutely, he's made some stupid decisions in his life for sure, but mostly to his detriment than to mine. But that's all I'm going to say on that matter. The real person I have done a great disservice to is none other than my REAL father...

My step-father, who has been with me and my family since I was about twelve, maybe even younger than that. He's quiet, passive, very sweet, and almost too kind. He's an awesome Trekkie dude that stops at the level before ya get into the creepy convention dweebs. Although I'm almost positive he used to go in his day too, I mean those really creepy ones that haunt every Star Trek affair in the history of man kind and line their walls with collectibles like wall paper. Yeah, he's just totally not that guy. But he totally is my father. And although I never call him dad, or father, because those words and the idea behind them have forever been tainted to me, and always feel twisted and awkward on my tongue, he is always the one I'll see as my true dad.

Alright everybody, I hope you all have a good night, and please keep learning.

Love ya!

(Day 4) Your Parents

wow me and fat butt actually fell asleep together for a couple of hours. Something woke me up, probably a noise or the like (this is a loud house.) Anyway I was about to just roll over and fall back to sleep when...

HOLY SHITTY BUTTPLUGS BATMAN! I HAVEN'T MADE A BLOG POST YET!!!


And this thought was enough to make me bolt up and jump on the computer like someone had stuck a hot poker to my ass!

I had contemplated just typing up some quick thing with one hand, because I really was tired, and my daughter was all snuggly on top of me and the pillows were hugging me, and .... and...

doesn't matter though, because the main thing that made me sit upright with this strange sense of urgency was the fact that this post is a rather important one. It is for that very reason that I actually put off writing it all day, because I was either nervous, or... you know nervous isn't the exact right word I'm looking for... Actually I knew this post would possibly emotionally drain me in some ways, good and bad... No, all good, all emotions are neutral, be it happiness or anger, it is our reactions to these emotions that sheds a negative or positive light on them. I understand that the way I'm sort of rambling right now may lead you to believe I'm building up to some sort of dramatic story of a family under tremendous strains and broken ties or whatever... But let me go ahead and disappoint you early by just saying out right... That simply is not the case here.


(Day 4: Your Parents)


In fact, I would dare say that my parental situation is almost 'typical' in many respects; certainly nothing out of the ordinary. And that's just where that anger sets in I guess... Why is it so damn typical that a mother bring up a child with a father not ever around? Why is it so fucking 'run of the mill' for the father to be absent, that any time you're talking to your child's doctor, nurse, or whomever it may be, there's the slight but obvious knowing look to their expression when they ask about her father, then there is immediate and profound surprise when I tell them he's still very much in our lives?

And I find myself surprised now at how easily these words flow from me in some kind of twisted indignant anger at society at large, but mostly at my own father, because honestly, I never have told him the way I felt about it, and it's only become apparent to me in recent years that... YES! I really do feel pretty fucked up about you not being around dad! I've always said it's okay and I forgive you and love you, in those few times between jail sentences we have met. But the truth is, some, small part of me, (not the adult I am now, but the vulnerable little girl who needed you I once was) some very tiny black piece of me buried deep has floated to the surface at the thought of you when I look at my baby.

You've robbed more than just whomever you've stolen cars from or committed your petty crimes for a quick thrill. You've robbed your mother of a son, my sisters and I of a father, and my child of a grandfather. YOU did that... no one else, And some part of me that I've silenced for a long time is not okay with that, and I'm going to let her scream in rage here and now, probably because I'm just too tired of sweeping it under a rug, and lying to you about it. I've always lied about it because in some way without knowing it I felt it cruel to kick a man while he's down, it was clear you regretted not being there, and I couldn't bring myself to tell you just how shitty it's been without you... The problem is, you're always fucking down, and you being down was of your own making, you made your bed but whined when it was time to lie in it.

And yet with all this boiling anger and sudden vitriol, I still feel forgiveness and pity for you. But the Pity to forgiveness ratio has definitely tipped towards me finding you strangely sad and pitiful in many ways... Because you had a chance to be something and finally do right this last time out, and you've thrown it away. There's really nothing more I can say to you. I'm tired of being strung along, I would tell you to stop writing me but I can't even do that much to you. I'll humor you with the illusion that I'm reading them, and indulge your rare calls, and tell you I'm doing fine and I miss you, when all the while I'm squirming to just get off the phone and end this awkward exchange that is limited to the short amount of time they're allowing you.

Even though these words may seem potent in some way to you should you ever somehow find them, I want just repeat myself and just say that this anger I'm showing is just a small part of me, a very tiny dark little kernel. It only sounds so bad because she's been repressed for so long, but that's how it goes, you gotta bleed out the venom sometimes for things to heal. Funny, because upon starting this post I thought I would immediately write about mom first since for nearly my whole life she's been my universe, but I had to just go ahead and just get that out of the way. Wow, how sad, my father the other half of my existence is reduced to something I just have to get out of the way.... Like a disclaimer.


Which brings me to my universe. Which if my father is little more than a dead star floating through the cosmos, then my mother is the cosmos itself, the ever expanding universe with wonders beyond. As I've become a mother and have grown up a little, I have realized she may have her limits, I finally realized that 'wow so she is human after all.' But I have to admit, growing up I thought there was nothing she couldn't do, there was an almost inhuman quality to her life's wisdom and her heart's love. I thought, for a very long time that I actually didn't want to become a mother, because there was no way I'd ever be able to do it as well as she did.

Sometimes, not very often but every now and again, I still feel that way.

In as little words as possible I just want to say that my mother is now and always have been my champion, my hero, my first and best friend. She's said this before and I agree with her too, we've grown up together, in the most profound ways. Yes she had me at a rather young age...18, which hey by today's standards isn't so terribly young. But you know what's funny about that if unrelated. I used to (in my own morbid curiosity) look at obituaries of people, and I found to my surprise that way back in the day, people used to friggen get married at like 14! So just how far from tradition are 'the kids these days' anyway? Of course that's in no way some sort of endorsement for teenage pregnancy, i'm just stating some facts...

Anyway, can you just sense the shift in tones when talking about mom? Seriously, while I can pretty much sum up what I feel for my father in a few scraggly paragraphs, what I feel for mom, is almost too much for words. Seriously I feel like it's cheapened by words and truly offensive to her and to my soul to even try to capture everything that she is to me in this meager language that is English. The Eskimo probably have far better words for love than 'love' itself.

I guess that's why poets are so exalted when it comes to English, because they can dig deep and extract little nuggets of emotion through written word. Here's a particularly potent quote from a movie

" Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children."


And my baby just woke up! So, once again I am 'ever so blessedly' granted yet another chance to attempt being as good a mother as the one I was given. And here's to hoping I'm up to snuff.


I can't post all the storms we've weathered together here, but I love you mom! if reincarnation is real, I hope to win the lottery and land you as my mom again in the next life.